Dim in more ways than one
by BarkingPup
Summary: The red button is ALWAYS bad. GIR presses the wrong button... surprise, surprise. Now Dib and Zim are stuck with a... smeetbaby. What kind of life will this horrible hybrid have? Rated T for safety. NOT SLASH! Chapter 7 up! See profile for updates HIATUS
1. The Clone Wars

ZADT... Zim and Dib toleration... barely

Zim, Dib... blah blah do not belong to me.

NOT SLASH!

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Zim twisted the last bolt into place and stepped back from his creation. Progress had been slow and halted many times by GIR's antics of DOOM and DESTRUCTION but with GIR upstairs- watching the Scary Monkey Show- Zim had finally completed...

An irken birthing chamber.

A long time ago Zim had learned of the Tallest's dislike for him and known his mission was a farce. After many failed attempts to regain (if there ever was any in the first place) their respect- and a final blocking of his transmissions- Zim had resigned himself to living on earth for a while. Of course, that did not mean he couldn't take it over and continue to annoy the Dib-stink, if merely for something to do. However, after a while Zim began to realize that if he died on this filthy planet there would be no more Zim and no one to torment the Dib. So, in a logical leap of neurons, Zim had decided to clone himself. A neural implant in his Pak would constantly be in contact with another chip inside a blank Pak. At the time of his death all of **his **chips data would be transferred to the **other **Pak's chip. When his clone was born the computer would implant the Pak onto its back and he would LIVE AGAIN!

Zim admired his work. _Amazing, as usual._He imagined the look on the Dib-human's face when his supposedly defeated foe appeared before him... _AHAHAHAHAHA cough HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA...now to turn on the computer..._

"INTRUDER ALERT!"

Zim flattened his antennae and glared at the ceiling. "COMPUTER!!!!"

"...mmmmmhmmmm?"

"What is this **nonsense **about an intruder?! In ZIM'S base?! IMPOSSIBLE!"

"It's Dib."

"**DIB?!**HOW?! HOW!? HOOOOW!? Zim's superior irken security should have **squashed **the pathetic earth monkey!" He entertained himself with images of Dib's gigantic head being squished beneath the MIGHTY FOOT of irken technology. "YES!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA Erk gag cough Squash the **Dib**! Squash him like a... eh, SQUASHY THING!"

"You want me to squash him?"

Zim jumped and hissed, glaring at the ceiling. "Eh? NO! **Capture **the HYOOMAN! No... WAIT! YES! YEEEESSSSSSS!! Squash him! Hmmm... NO! WAIT! **CATCH HIIIIIMMMM! **Actually..."

"Freeze alien scum!"

Zim jumped and whirled around to see the subject of his dilemma standing behind him with a spork in his hand.

"**DIB-STINK?!**How did you get **here?**"

Dib paused, confused. "I walked. Took the elevator... nothing stopped me."

Zim glared. "YOU **LIE! **Zim's superiorness... ness is superior to your patheticness, smelly earth-monkey!"

Dib paused once again, confusion flitting across his face before determination settled in. "Enough stalling, ZIM! Today... Today I **will **defeat you and expose you so all the world will know the TRUTH!"

"NEVER! I AM **ZIM **AND ZIM SHALL RUUUUUULE!! NO PATHETIC EARTH-STINK WILL STOP ZIIIIIM!" Zim readied himself to attack the Dib-

THUNK! "EEEEEEEAAAAAAAHEEHEE! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Agh! GIR! **GIR! **Get off MY HEAD!"

Zim flailed pointlessly while his S.I.R unit death-gripped his head and screamed incoherently.

Dib saw this as his chance and lunged sideways for... something to do... something to Zim's base.

Zim, partially blinded by a squealing S.I.R unit, saw Dib move. "NOOOOOOO!!! GIR! DEFEND THE BASE!"

GIR's eyes flashed red, "Yes, master!" The S.I.R leaped off its masters head and grabbed Dib's arm. Zim began laughing maniacally, hippo's of victory dancing in his brain.

Dib jumped at the touch of cold metal and paled at the menacing crimson eyes that glared into his. He went ashen when the crimson flipped to cyan.

"HIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!" GIR squealed, squeezing Dib's arm painfully. "I loves you, Big head boy! And PIGGIES! I LOVES YOU ALL!!"

"My head's not big!" Dib struggled futilely over GIR's screeching. He violently wrenched his arm and the dysfunctional robot let go, screaming his intelligible words at the top of his mechanized voice. Zim hardly noticed G.I.R's failure to comply with his orders as he was too busy laughing and watching victory hippos. He did notice, however, when Dib's (powerful!) spork slammed onto his computer panel.

"AAAAGH! What are you **doing**?!"

Dib glanced at his mutilated spork sadly. _Last time I use common household utensils. _"I'm defeating you, **ZIM**!"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! **You **defeat an irken elite?! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

"It's no laughing matter, **Zim**! I WILL return and next time... next time it'll be a **spoon**!"

Neither enemy noticed a curious robot approach the computer panel.

"WHAT'S THIS DO?!"

Zim glanced over just in time to see GIR press a large red button.

"NOOOOO!!! NOT THE **RED **BUTTON!"

Dib blinked, "what's so bad about the red button?"

Zim grabbed Dib's collar in his claws and glared. "The red button is **always **bad."

The computer seemed to take great pleasure in intoning at that dramatic moment.

"Sequence activated. Scanning for viable DNA."

A red beam shot out from one of the walls, sweeping the lab. Zim dropped Dib and rushed to the elevator, frantically pushing a button. The elevator did not respond and Zim kicked it angrily.

"AARRRGH! **Why **did I program this sequence to shut down all **exits**?!"

Dib threw up his hands, "**what **it going **on**?!"

Zim hissed and whipped around, pointing at his arch-foe.

"DO NOT QUESTION ZIIIIIIIM!!"

"Two viable DNA found. Acquiring DNA."

Zim shrieked as a giant claw descended from the ceiling and grabbed his pak, lifting him up.

"RELEASE ZIIIM!"

Dib yelped as a secondary claw grabbed him by the shirt. From his peripheral filed of vision he saw a very sharp needle coming towards his neck and frantically tried to twist away. He heard Zim's cry as the aliens needle pierced his neck a brief second before his own did. Dib barely had time to wince before the claw dropped him unceremoniously on the floor, a needle full of his blood moving away. Dib got up, still confused, and noticed Zim passed out on the floor.

_It was just a... needle!! __Zim's__ afraid of needles! _Dib congratulated himself for finding another irken weakness and did an impromptu dance in the lab. GIR, delighted to see someone dancing proceeded to do his own routine that resulted in several pieces of smoking machinery.

"Combining DNA... DNA combined. Transferring to birthing chamber."

Dib paused in his victory dance (GIR didn't notice) and stared at the long, tubelike contraption as a tiny, formless blob was shot into whatever goopy substance was inside.

"What... **is **that?"

Zim came to at that and looked around frantically. "Huh? What?" His red gaze fell to the birthing chamber and the blob within. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My clone! **Ruined!**"

Dib whipped around, "Your **WHAT**?!"

Zim glared. "**SILENCE, **Dib-beast! You have destroyed my plans once more but never agaaaaain!"

"PIGGIES!!!!"

"What are you talking about? I don't even know what's going on!"

Before Zim could take a breath to start a tirade of MIGHTY proportions, GIR chimed in.

"Issa nother MASTER! With taquitoes! But now John has hisself in the hot dog!" GIR turned to the blob in the tube. "HIIIIIIIIIIIIII BABY!"

Dib scratched his head. "Wait... did GIR just say **baby**?!"

Zim, a little put out that GIR interrupted him, hissed. "Smeet, Dib-thing, SMEEEEET! It **was **a CLONE! Until YOU RUINED IT!"

Dib gaped. _B-baby?__ But that needle... and __Zim__... and... _"I'm too young to be a FATHER! I'm only FOURTEEN! AGH! ACK!"

While Zim would have loved to watch his most hated enemy twitch he had things to do and smelly pig-beasts to throw out. "SILENCE! You will now **leave **Zim's base! NOOOOW!"

Dib paused. "But... the... uh, smeet."

"What makes you think I'd EVER let you TOUCH ZIM'S DNA?!"

"Hey, it's partly mine, too!"

"NEVER! It shall grow up to be a GREAT IRKEN WARRIOR!"

"Not **my **baby!"

GIR sat on the lab floor, hugging his pig and rocking it back and forth, giggling maniacly.


	2. In Thy Enemies Claws

I apologize for the crappiness of this chapter but I needed a reason for Dib to be at Zim's house. I apologise soooo much. The next chapter will be a lot better.

* * *

"NEEEEEEEEVAAAAHHHH!"

"Come **on, **Zim."

"No hyuman germs shall touch my base! NONE!"

"I'm in it right now. Besides, you don't know **any **human habits."

"Zim knows... Zim knows YOU ALL SMELL!" He waggled a claw in Dib's face.

Dib swatted Zim's obnoxious claw. "Listen, Zim. I don't know anything irken" _Except for the stuff I got from the cameras I hid in his base but he doesn't need to know that. _"And you don't know anything human. Here we have a mixture of both and, being completely unknowing of irken OR human genetics we have no idea how it will turn out. How human, or how irken. Thus, logically we should live together. We definitely can't live at my house so I'll come live with you."

Zim opened his mouth... paused. He quirked an invisible eyebrow and considered. Certainly the Dib's logic was sound but Zim was reluctant to admit defeat. Still... Dib would be living in Zim's base... at Zim's mercy. Zim grinned. Yes, yes, he liked that thought. He did not wish to destroy a smeet, the mere thought of killing something so... young and defenceless had even the invaders squeedly-spooch twisting. The Dib would take care of it (Zim had studied hyuman bonds and the Dib would be characteristically attached to the smeet) while Zim plotted his downfall. Zim would help too, when it suited him. And maybe if Dib begged. On his knees. However the Dib-stink could keep the smeet away from Zim while Zim plotted and maybe he could even teach the smeet to help him. Zim imagined the world lying in ruins, the Dib-beast under his MIGHTY IRKEN SHOE and his smeet standing by, grinning. Yes... yes it was quite pleasing.

"Very well, **Dib**. I shall allow your **filthy **hyuman GERMS into my base. For now. Only because Zim says so! "

"So... truce?" Dib held out his hand.

Zim looked at Dib's hand.

Dib sighed. "It's a human gesture. We shake hands to seal the truce."

"Zim knew that, Stink-monkey." He grasped his claw in Dib's hand and shook once before letting go frantically. "Eeeewww... Zim's beautiful claws are SOILED with HYUUUMAN GERMS! GIR! Get the cleansing chalk!!!!"

The tiny S.I.R unit leaped up from the floor, dropping the piggy, and saluted before running off screaming.

Dib watched Zim hold out his "soiled" hand, yelling for GIR to hurry up. By living with Zim he would have access to all of his advanced technology, perhaps even finding a way to destroy the alien once and for all. He wasn't worried about the baby, after all, it was half irken, he couldn't fathom ever caring about something so... disgusting. Besides, the house computer could be programmed to take care of the... spawn and GIR could feed it waffles or something. Dib merely wanted to get rid of Zim and maybe he could recruit the baby to help him. He imagined Zim on an autopsy table, scalpel in his hand, poised to slice the alien open. Beside him, grinning, a young child. Dib smiled. Yes... yes... that was a goal. However, Zim would probably try to get the baby over to **his **side so Dib had to watch and make sure Zim didn't sway the baby. He was only doing this so Zim wouldn't have an ally.

Zim ripped the cleansing chalk from GIR's metal claws and ignored the robot's resulting tantrum. He began rubbing the chalk over his gloved hand, able to feel the slimy hyuman germs... invading his... Zim shuddered and glanced around. It was almost cleaning time again... definitely S.I.R unit bathing time. The Dib-monkey babbled something about going back to his filthy hyuman base and gathering supplies. Zim waved a claw dismissively and peered intently at his claw. Having determined his flesh was not in danger from sticky hyuman germs he turned his thoughts to the Dib and his gaze to the large-headed hyuman's retreating back.

The Dib would definitely be attracted to the smeet. While it would keep the smeet out of his antennae it would also open the way for the Dib-beast to use the smeet against the mighty Zim. Zim glared at Dib's back. He would have to watch the Dib and make sure he didn't sway the smeet. He was only doing this so Dib-pig wouldn't have an ally.


	3. And Then There Was Light

Dib dodged a laser blast (which hit a vital computer panel but that was beside the point) and ducked behind a large wire. Zim's boots clacked on the metal floor as he entered the area.

"I know you're here, **Dib-beast**."

Dib held his breath and tried to peer around the wire without revealing his hiding place. Zim whipped around, pointing his laser at a shadow.

"You can't hide forever, Dib-stink. This time... this time ZIM WILL NOT FORGIVE! This time YOU WILL **PAY**!"

Dib took advantage of Zim's rant to move behind another wire. Assured of his safety Dib took a deep breath.

"It's just a toilet seat, Zim! You don't even **use **the toilet!"

"SILENCE! Zim may not use it but it's still **annoying**!"

"Why do you even** care**?"

Zim fired his laser at a wire, ignoring the sparks and smoke since it didn't cry out in pain.

"**Because**, Dib-hyuman... because."

"... That doesn't even make any sense."

Zim saw movement out of the corner of his eye and fired. Dib flinched as the laser left a smoking hole a few inches away from his leg. He decided to bolt for it and took a run of faith. Zim saw the Dib and grinned malevolently, he levelled the laser and locked the target-

Dib froze.

Zim paused, puzzled. Normally the stink-beast would continue to run and Zim would fire, usually missing (ON PURPOSE!). Eventually a laser would hit a piece of machinery and he'd have to fix it while Dib got away. However, the Dib wasn't moving this time... in fact he looked rather horrified. Disgruntled, Zim stalked over and glared at the Dib's gargantuan head. And then Zim saw it.

Dib could only stare at the monstrosity before him. Its eyes were huge, taking up much of its face and a deep maroon color. Its skin had a light green tinge and three blunt claws decorated the ends of its arms. Two tiny antennae perked as it turned towards Dib, staring with its grotesquely massive eyes.

Zim could only stare at the monstrosity before him. Its skin was that disgusting pinky color humans came in with horrible moving eyeballs instead of the normal solid color. On the top of its head grew a tiny tuft of hair, already slicing back in a familiar scythe shape. It had a tiny, blunt nose and horrible three-toed feet. Zim gasped when it turned, its disgusting eyeballs moving within its sockets.

Dib heard Zim gasp and was spurred out of his dazed state. He turned and glared at his enemy then lunged forward, grabbing a thin spawn arm.

Zim saw Dib's glare and glared right back before lunging forward and grabbing a thin spawn arm.

"It's **mine**, alien!"

"NEVER! Zim's... eh, smeet shall become a great irken warrior!!!!"

"No, my **baby **will aid me in my paranormal studies!"

GIR walked in and watched them fight over the tiny spawn/smeet/baby thing for quite a while. He became bored after a while and wandered forward, thinking someone would want to play. Maybe they could play Pig... or watch the Scary Monkey Show...

"HIIIIIIIII!!!! Issat a mutant weasel, mastah?!"

"What? No, no GIR it's a smeet."

Dib glanced down at the baby and yelped, "Uh... Zim... I think it's having trouble breathing."

"SILENCE! Zim is TALKING!"

"No... no, Zim, seriously... it's turning a weird yellow color."

Aggravated, Zim whipped around but froze in mid breath. "Gah! It can't breathe! COMPUTER!"

"... yeah?"

"Scan the smeet and put on a pak according to it's biology! NOOOOW!"

The computer sighed and grumbled about workers compensation and unions before a long arm descended from the ceiling and plugged a small pak into the spawn's back. Immediately the tiny thing began gasping and it's... normal color returned.

Zim pointed a finger at Dib, eyes narrowed, "HA! It's more irken than **hyuman**! Your filthy hyuman air caused it to choke!"

Dib rolled his eyes. "It's part human **and **irken, Zim. That means it's going to have issues related to both human **and **irken."

"YOU LIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!"

Unbeknownst to both combatants G.I.R was leaning in close to the newly hatched smeet... thing. The malfunctioning robot grinned.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii."

The smeet looked up at him, antennae twitching slightly.

"Are you my new tooooooooy?"

The smeet, much too young to understand what G.I.R was talking about (it **is **only a few minutes old) stared blankly.

G.I.R squealed. "YAAAAAAAAY! Imma gonna LOVE YOU SO MUCH!" The robot grabbed the smeets' arm and proceeded to drag it to the elevator.

"Oh yeah?!" Dib snarled down at the diminutive invader.

"YEAH!" The invader screeched back, claws grasping the air in front of him.

"Well, then I'll **prove** it!" Dib whirled around to find the spawn and discovered it wasn't there. "What the... where did it go?"

Upstairs, the sound of screaming and shattering objects was heard.

* * *

**Author Notes: **So.. finally done. See my profile for the full story but Chapter Four will be a while in coming. Enjoy 


	4. You're Dim all right

**Author Note: **Okay, so I lied; chapter four is HERE! Check my profile for updates... blah blah. Also the reason why Kornicopia of Kaos is on indeterminate hiatus. Yes, yes, this chapter is short but the next chapter will be a LOT longer...

Thankies and GREAT BIG hugs to ckret2 for BETAing! Go check out her proooofile... I command yooooou...

* * *

Dib and Zim sat at the kitchen table, surrounded by towering columns of unidentifiable **things** that had only one thing in common; they were called waffles by a certain robot. The spawn sat on the floor, a bright white bandage wrapped around its head and a rubber pig in its tiny claw, happily chewing on its head. GIR had been locked in one of the basement rooms, away from the spawn and any essential machinery. The couch had been rebuilt by an irate computer and the traumatized pig shoved out the door –where it huddled behind a lawn gnome. Dib sported an impressive bruise where GIR had flown into a temper tantrum after the human had taken a laser from the robot –why Zim had lasers laying about with a robot like GIR Dib had no idea. Zim had, as well, not escaped unscathed and absently scratched at the pink Band-Aid on his chin. Occasionally, he glowered at the Dib, certain the human had purposefully flung that spork at him. The human and the alien felt lucky –although they would never admit it- that they had escaped with such minor wounds and the base with relatively normal damage considering GIR lived there. As it was, they now sat at a recently damaged table with time ticking by, both glancing nervously at the giggling spawn on the floor. 

The spawn was completely oblivious to the scrutiny and revelled in the new sensation of rubber between zippered teeth, the previous disaster forgotten. But for a few darkening bruises and the large cut on its head, hidden by white, it could have never happened. To the spawn's shock the rubber gave rather suddenly and it was holding a decapitated toy. Unfazed, it grinned and began whacking the headless rubber piggy against the floor while chewing on the head.

"Sooo..." Dib trailed off, unsure.

"So what, filthy monkey?"

"Um... it needs a name, we can't keep calling it 'spawn' or... or 'smeet'." He scrutinized the destructive baby. "I can't even tell if it's female or male..."

"THAT is because –unlike dirty wormbabies- the irken race has NO NEED for horrible hormones and... and other things hyuuuumans have... yes... so HA!" The irken finished by leaping onto the table and pointing a claw in Dib's face.

Dib sighed and rolled his eyes, pushing Zim's claw out of his face. "Well, it needs a name... I guess one that's not gender specific..."

"An irken name. Worthy of a GREAT IRKEN WARRIOR!"

"What?! NO! It has to be a human name!"

"No DNA of mine will carry a filthy dirt-child name!"

"And no DNA of **mine **will have a disgusting alien name!"

The two glared fiercely at each other, claws hooked, fists clenched.

"Whyyyyyyy don't you use BOTH your naaames?"

Dib blinked. "Hey, that's not such a bad idea."

Zim grinned in victory. "I KNOW! Let's use BOTH our names and- GAH! GIR?! How did you escape??!!"

The cyan robot smiled blankly. "I don't knoooooow..." it tilted its head so far it fell over, still staring and smiling.

Dib and Zim shuddered.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I gots spidahs in my heads!"

Relieved the robot was back to... uh, normal, the two archrivals turned their mind to a name. A name worthy of a great irken warrior. A name worthy of a great human scientist.

"Um... Zib? Biz? Diz?" Dib tapped his chin in thought.

"DIM!!!!!"

Dib jumped, almost falling out of his chair.

"DIM! THE SMEET'S NAME SHALL BE DIM!!!"

"Dim? But, Zim, that's a human insu-"

"SILENCE! Zim has **spoken**!"

"But-"

"ZIM SAID SILENCE!!!!"

Dib considered kicking some sense into the tiny invader but quickly abandoned the idea as it would probably not work very well- if at all. "I'm not going to let a piece of my DNA have an insu-"

"SEE?! You agree with ZIM'S amazing name!"

"What? NO! I didn't say tha-"

Zim stood up as tall as he could, assured of his height by the table, and began a MIGHTY victory laugh. Which was interrupted by a choking noise. Zim whipped his head around in anger, expecting to see GIR doing something... stupid. However, it was the spawn choking on the rubber piggy head after trying to swallow it.

The two rivals watched in a sort of shock as the spawn coughed and gagged, struggling to dislodge the pink obstacle. Finally, Zim leaped off the table and began shaking the tiny smeet violently.

"ZIM COMMANDS YOU TO LIVE!!!!"

By some strange twist of fate- or the intervening hand of a fanfiction writer who didn't want her character dead after four chapters- the rubber piggy head was expelled violently, smacking Zim in the face.

"GAH! GEEEEERMS! FILTHY GEEEERMS!"

As Zim ran around the kitchen in blind panic the smeet watched and giggled, the near-death experience forgotten completely.

Dib sighed and shook his head. "It's Dim all right."


	5. Queer Eye for the Green Guy

**Authors Notes: **Well, here's chapter four. Thanks to Crekt2 for betaing... me wuvvs you.

Wow... HeCallsMeHisChild is watching this story... I feel so honoured. sniff

Thanks to everyone who reviewed... R&R if you please blah blah ON WITH THE STORY!

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The television lit the gloomy scene with an electric glow that cast everything in shadow. The screen changed and a grisly green lit the face of a girl on a tattered couch. She stared with permanently squinted eyes at the LCD screen as it dashed through various pictures in an effort to keep its human watchers attention. A commercial for Game Slave 3 came on and the girl's eyes popped open, amber irises almost lost in her whites. A previously empty and disinterested gaze became unnervingly piercing and concentrated as the announcer blared through the crackling television speakers. Pictures, words, annoying voices all eaten by the girl's eyes, devoured by her concentration. And it ended. Immediately the amber eyes closed back into a squint and the gaping mouth twisted into a permanent grimace.

The scene was interrupted by the sound of shoes dramatically pounding up stairs. A door was flung open, banging against the wall and cracking the plaster. By the looks of it, this had happened more than once and the hole was large enough to fit a little boy's head.

"DAUGHTER!" A goggled man cried out, finger pointed to the sky. "**Where **is your BROTHER?!"

Had it been anyone else who had asked Gaz would have beaten them to a pulp then resurrected the remains and proceeded to shove them down a garbage disposal. As it was, she squinted even harder, if that was possible, and thought. Vaguely she recalled a voice, filling her with unbearable rage, a slam of a door. She remembered screaming something... and losing to the HamHog. The rest of events were much clearer. The large, red letters on the tiny screen, flashing defeat over and over again. A cry of rage, the cringe of a (large) head smashed into a wall. Kitchen knives, flashing in practiced precision, lodged in a frantically closed door. A voice, begging desperately, barely heard over the roar of hatred, the beep of 'Game Over,' the Professor Membrane lamp shattering against a suitcase. Then the absence of a high-pitched voice, the comforting zone of the game, electronic beeping.

"He went to Zim's house."

"For a SLEEPOVER?!"

"Yeah, sure."

Professor Membrane chuckled. "That's my son. Now back to REAL SCIENCE!"

He raced back down the stairs, door slamming into the doorjamb behind him. Gaz settled into the couch, eyes fixated on the screen now advertising a sale on dead bodies at the Funeral Home. She, of course, hadn't mentioned the fact that Dib's 'sleepover' at the moment was a month long, or that he had taken all of the paranormal items from his room. _He didn't ask so I didn't tell._ Gaz smiled ever so slightly (several squirrels spontaneously combusted) and turned her thoughts on how to obtain money for the Game Slave 3.

* * *

Rumours have a habit of spreading like wildfire in high wind when started in dry grassland. In the hands of Zita they flew through time and space, breaking several laws of physics, and inserted themselves into the ears of skoolchildren. As a result, the children knew the rumour before they had even heard it, as they would at skool the next day. Therefore Zita had been given veto over all rumours; she decided which rumour was spread, which rumour was fake and which was true. At the moment she held a rumour in her hands and was debating whether or not to toss it on to the skoolyard population. 

Many children had noticed something funny. Torque still beat the smaller kids, and Miss Bitters still taught (how, nobody knew), Dib and Zim still screamed at each other and threw various food stuffs. However, Dib and Zim had begun to walk to skool together. Had it only happened once it would not have been much of a rumour. Yet **every single day** they walked, side by side, arguing at the top of their lungs.

All the children knew something was up with Dib. He never so much as glanced at male or female and spouted crazy things all the time. He was a loser, a crazy loser. All the children knew something was up with Zim. He never so much as glanced at male or female (in fact, he seemed to be filled with disgust whenever he saw either) and spouted off random and insane things all the time. He was a loser, a creepy loser.

Before Zim had transferred to skool, Dib had been beaten to a pulp almost daily; many jocks had made it into a game of how many hits they could get in before Dib's scary sister dragged him off after skool. However, the little green psycho had kicked the shit out of half the football team (Marm was still in a coma) the first time he had stumbled (literally) upon one of their 'Catch the Crazy' games. The whole while he broke bones and freed blood he shrieked that 'The Dib' was his 'smelly, filthy worm baby' and that no other 'smelly, filthy worm baby' was going to touch a hair on his head. At first the jocks had attempted to take vengeance if not for their fallen comrades then for the thrill of the hunt. However, after a few of them vanished mysteriously (and the creepy grin of the insane green boy grew wider and, if it was possible, even more creepy) the hunt fell through a few months later. This did not mean Dib was bruise free, in fact it seemed that his bruise count rose and he even sported a few stitches occasionally. So, in light of the new developments, the children began to take bets on how beat up Dib would be at the beginning of every skool day.

Dib and Zim did seem to fight a lot. And scream a lot. And throws things a lot. Yet they always hung out together (even if that 'hanging out' consisted of throwing plastic cutlery and shoving each other into mud puddles). They had even, on occasion, been seen giving each other presents (it was predictable the skoolyard population did not realize the trinkets were various alien/human destruction items of DOOM). Perhaps in the loser group there may have been rumours about the two crazy kids' relationship but in the rest of the skool population no one dared whisper without the permission of Zita.

And so Zita held a rumour. And, with a grin, she decided to spread it.

* * *

Dib and Zim walked to skool predictably arguing. 

"I refuse to let you insert **alien **technology into Dim!"

"YOU suggested to ZIM that the smeet receive a COLLAR for the purpose of determining its LOCATION! ZIM Improved on YOUR pathetic suggestion!"

"An alien tracking chip is **not **an improvement!!!"

"A collar is PATHETIC! HOW DO YOU KNOW THE LOCATION WITH A **COLLAR**??!!"

"Well... if it gets lost people will see the address and-"

"It never worked with GIR!!"

"That's because GIR is stupid."

Zim raised his chin and snarled, "GIR's not stupid he's-"

Dib rolled his eyes, "-Advanced! Yeah, yeah, I know, Zim. You've said it how many times?"

"One thousand five hundred and eighty two since you've infested my base and ten thousand-"

"That didn't require an answer."

"THEN WHY DID YOU ASK IT??!! Are you trying to trick Zim into giving away top secret irken... secret...ness? YES! You are after my SECRETNESS!" Zim leaped at Dib and the boy yelped, falling back and trying to keep the irken's sharp claws from his eyes.

The battle went on for a few seconds, fierce and relentless before the combatants realized something was very, very wrong. Slowly, the battle stopped and two pairs of eyes, one amber the other false purple, scanned the skoolyard with uneasiness.

Every single child on the skoolyard was staring at the two, several groups of girls giggled and whispered to each other and groups of boys cracked their knuckles and glowered. Other than that, however, there was neither a sound nor a movement.

Dib pushed the invader off his chest and stood, not bothering to brush the dust off his trench coat. Zim flopped to the ground and almost began gnawing on Dib's leg for the indignity yet the silent stares of the children shoved the impulse deep into his throat and he, too, got up.

"It's like some creepy zombie movie," Dib whispered to no one.

Zim didn't know what a 'zombie movie' was but he had his own encounters with zombies and understood that perfectly. Unfortunately, the zombies he had encountered had not been all that smart and so he did not feel as much fear as the Dib. At that moment a horrible thought struck the irken.

"YOU'RE ALL AFTER MY SECRETNESS, TOO!!!!" Screaming, he ran through the groups of humans and through the skool doors until his frantic scream died out.

As soon as the green kid had vanished skool life returned to relatively normal. Dib nervously walked towards the skool doors, noticing the unwarranted attention directed his way. As soon as the doors closed behind his black-clad back he took off running to the sort-of safety of the classroom.

_What the hell is going on!!!???_


	6. Washroom Rumours

**Ch. 6: Washroom Rumours**

Dib sat through a droning lecture, nervously shifting in his seat. Every few seconds a crumpled paper ball would fly through the air and hit his head but he was used to that. Mr. Sufer pointed to something on the board, unaware more than half of his students were adding to the lake of drool on the floor. The other students were staring intently at either Zim or Dib. Occasionally a hushed giggle or low growl could be heard. Zim was completely oblivious to the scrutiny, still chucking paper balls at Dib with vigour.

In truth Zim was not completely unaffected by the stares of the skoolchildren. He almost felt reluctant to torment the Dib for some odd reason and so tried to torment the filthy human twice as much. To accomplish this he began writing notes to the pig monkey, spelling atrocious and grammar nonexistent. Unfortunately, the Dib did not seem to be aware of his GREAT PLAN and sat with paper balls getting soggy on the floor.

"DIIIIIIIIIB- MOOOONKEEEEEY!" He whispered ingeniously loud.

Dib reluctantly turned and glared half-heartedly at the alien. "What?"

"REEEEAD ZIM'S AMAAAAAAZING BALLS OF **DOOOOOOM!**"

Dib glanced down at the floating bits of paper. "Uh... I'll pass on that." He turned to face the teacher once more.

_What!!! How DARE the filthy pig turn his back on ZIM!!! He should be GROVELLING! Grovelling like a... a... er... LIKE A PLATYPUS!_ Zim growled, long serpentine tongue flicking in and out of his serrated teeth in anger. _I'll show that MONGOOSE MEAT-EATER! _His Pak whirred softly and a spider-leg folded out of it.

Dib was trying to ignore the burning stares of the people behind him when something hit his head and he fell from his chair onto the floor. Dib groaned and sat up, long sticky strands of drool clinging to his hair. _What the?_

Zim snickered under his breath for a few seconds before giving into his ego and leaping onto his desk. "BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! FALL BEFORE THE MIGHTY MIGHT OF ZIM!!!"

Children's eyes turned to him, some gummy with sleep. That was around the point Zim remembered –

"GAH! MY SECRETNESS IS IN DANGER!" He leaped off his desk, almost tripping in the drool, before squicking away down the hallway, boots faintly smoking.

Dib crawled back onto his desk, peeling a paper ball from his face, and sighed. Zim was so... so **stupid**. The first few hours of skool Zim had been a paranoid ball of green goo, which would have been amusing had his hiding places not involved various pieces of Dib. He seemed to have forgotten that Dib was apparently after his secretness as well (except for a few moments in Math. They were still fixing the window from that one). After Zim had leaped on his head and tried to hide behind his scythe for the **eighteenth **time that day (not that Dib was counting or anything) he had given the tiny invader's Pak a good shot of electricity in science class with two conductive wires.

Seven years of chasing the alien and he had discovered, with the help of a lightening storm, that electricity in certain spots on the Zim's Pak resulted in temporary changes to the irken himself. A good shot to the right and Zim lost all of his anger and ego, becoming an affectionate, happy alien. (Dib still washed himself compulsively whenever he thought of **that one**). A shot to the left and he turned into what Dib thought was a true irken invader; cold, calculating, and competent. A shot to the direct middle resulted in temporary memory loss (Dib had a lot of fun with this one initially until he had applied too much electricity and Zim had forgotten everything for a month. Gaz had not forgiven him for that one, despite the fact she hadn't liked those posters in her room anyway. What was he supposed to do? Leave Zim at his base? Without memory? And with GIR?). There were other places and other results but most Dib had not tested all that much and he didn't want to mess around with the Pak too often.

So Dib zapped the invader's Pak and Zim forgot all about the whole 'secretness' business. None of the children questioned his sudden change in behaviour and skool went on as it normally did.

_Until now, it seems. _Dib peeled a soggy piece of paper from his cheek and swiped a layer of spit off his skin. _Ah, well, it's only temporary anyways... I wonder if there's some way to make it permanent. _He noticed the paper ball on his desk was rather large and heavy so he uncrumpled it. Zim's horrendous handwriting decorated the wrinkled pages, as well as a collection of rocks bundled in the middle.

Dib sighed and swiped the rocks with a plop onto the spit covered floor. He began reading the message, having nothing else to do.

"FilTHEE dib? hooOOman anD yor BIG HED!! wit HOribl HAIR SnAyKES!!! SNAyKes!!?? icknorE ZiM??!! NoNe ICKnore te MITEE!!!!!!!! **ZIM!!!!!!**"(Dib noted this was underlined all the way down the page and had frowny faces around it. He supposed Zim had meant to put some sort of evil happy face or something) "YOO wiL PAAAEEEEEeee! pAE wIt YooR GeyeANT BranE MEETS!??!!! AnD PuPeeE Eyes, YES? YeeeeeSS YoooOO pae Now!!!"

Dib recrumpled the paper and tossed it onto the floor, annoyed at the alien and his lack of English skills. _Dim sure as hell won't lack THAT_. But wait, who was going to teach it? Maybe the skool system had some sort of deal for hybrid children?

Dib's thoughts were interrupted by the scream of the lunch bell and the resulting flood of children headed for freedom. He clung to his desk against the hoard and flinched when pounding sneakers flung strings of spit too close to his face for comfort. After the initial flood was over and the only children remaining were the ones too slow to comprehend simple things or the ones who had been trampled in the first wave Dib got out of his desk himself and walked out into the hallway to find Zim.

After fifteen minutes of searching every nook and cranny in the skool Dib stood in front of the one place he had yet to peer into. The skool had declared itself on a tight budget and so only two bathrooms existed in the entire building. Both situated in the basement for, apparently, the same lame budget reason. Dib stood in front of a bathroom door and swallowed.

_Oh god... but it's the only place I haven't looked... _Taking a deep breath Dib pushed it open and entered a forbidden territory.

The girls' washroom.

* * *

The moment Dib entered he was forced to dodge a large log that swung down from supposedly nowhere. If he had not been practiced in dodging Lawn Gnome Lasers and flying robots he would have, most likely, been a Dib-shaped smush on the wall. Unfortunately, his easy dodge caused his foot to land on a sinking floor tile. He froze.

Nothing happened.

Dib sighed and pulled his boot off the tile whereupon sharpened hair clips flew out of the opposite wall and embedded themselves into the cracked plaster. Feeling as if he needed to whimper to make himself feel better, Dib removed the hair pins from his the plaster and winced at the damage to his clothes. A few scratches, nothing compared to what he usually received from Zim. Dib walked deeper into the washroom, noting the pink graffiti decorating the stalls. Only one such holder of toilets was unmarked but for a large, awfully familiar purple skull on the front.

_I didn't know Gaz had her own stall. That's so not fair! _Dib glared at the door, debating whether or not to write something on it... something like DIB ROCKS! Or... or... THEY ARE HERE! He took a step forward and saw the skull's glowing eyes move to follow his every step. Obviously a laser. Guarding a bathroom stall. Slowly, he backed up until he was on the other end of the washroom. _I'll just look for Zim._

He found the small green invader huddled in the third stall, afraid of the water-filled toilet and the germ covered walls. Angrily, Dib grabbed his glove and proceeded to drag the screaming irken out of the stall. Zim hooked his claws into the metal stall wall and hung on.

Dib jerked to a halt and whipped around to glare at the invader. "ZIM! Let go!"

"NEVER!!! They're after my Secretness! ZIM WILL NEVER GIVE UP HIS SECRETNESS!"

"They're not after your secretness, Zim. I don't even know what the hell that is. Just. Let. Go!"

Both combatants froze at the sound of a door opening.

"Like, Oh Em Gee."

"I **know**. And then she, like, totally told me off."

"No Wai!"

"Ya Wai."

Two girls stopped in their tracks. Two boys were in the girls' washroom. One had the others arm and was pulling on it while the other was gripping the stall and had both feet planted on the floor.

Dib blushed. "Uh... um, we... uh, we were just leaving! Yes, leaving. Right, Zim?!"

Zim looked over his shoulder and raised an invisible eyebrow. "What are you talking about, filthy stink worm?"

"Leaving! Right now!" Dib ripped the invader off the stall and tore out of the washroom, pulling Zim behind him. The girls stood in shock for a few moments.

"Wasn't that, like, the queers or something?"

"What were they, like, **doing **in here?"

They looked at each other and, as one entity, squealed.

"Oh Em Gee, we have **got **to tell Zita!"

"Second rung, here we, like, come!"

* * *

**Authors Note: **Once more, thanks to Ckret2 for Betaing and whom without this fic would be alot more confusing and intelligible.

ahem to explain a point: I believe in the show that Dib was eight ( I also believe it was mentioned somewhere that Gaz was one year younger than him). A year passes in the show because Halloween and Christmas go by so he would be nine. I said he was fourteen in the first chapter. Therefore, he has been chasing Zim for six years before this fic began. I have no idea what his real age is and if anyone can find a quote somewhere that says his real age PLEASE tell me.


	7. So It's True What They Say About Aliens

**Ch. 7 So It's True What They Say About Aliens…**

Dib ran. Zim stumbled.

"Filthy, smelly dolphin mongoose! LET ZIM GO! Your germy hands are not WORTHY of touching the amazingness that is ZIM! You soil my pants-filled veins with your smelly self! LET GO! LET GO, you walnut! Zim refuses to be dragged like a package of MEATBALLS! ZIM COMMANDS YOU TO STOP! STOP NOW, you dirty washcloth!"

When the wormbaby did not respond, or halt his destructive path, Zim spritzed Dib's arm with GERM BEGONE! And bit.

"GAAAH!" Dib flung the invader away from him and clutched his bleeding arm. "What the hell, Zim?!"

Zim's spider legs deployed and the invader halted inches from the wall. "I, ZIM, have halted your foooolish rush into enemy territory! VICTORY! FOR ZIM!"

"What the hell are you talking about? What enemy territory?"

Zim pointed down the hallway, where, at the end, a pair of greasy doors stood with the words 'Kafeteariah' proudly displayed above them.

"That's the cafeteria, Zim."

"And it is EEEVIL! All those Munkeys absorbing inordinate amounts of MUSH! HORRID SENTIENT MUSH!"

"Well... I'll give you the evil part but WHY THE HELL DID YOU BITE ME!"

"You were discombobulated. Since we have a... **truce **I knew it was my DUTY to halt you!"

"I was what?"

"Discombobulated. You know... er... rushing headlong into enemy territory?"

"You don't know what that means, do you?"

"ZIM KNOWS ALL!!"

"Right." Dib inspected the wound. Zim's teeth were quite sharp and left some nasty wounds but the bleeding had almost stopped so Dib figured it wasn't in need of stitching. "I better not get some weird **alien** disease from this."

Zim smiled all too innocently. "Now why would I do that, Dib-thing?"

Dib's eyes widened and he glanced at the wound once more. No green discoloration. He felt fine, no nausea or dizziness. It hurt like hell. Zim began laughing so hard only his spider legs kept him from collapsing on the floor.

"You- ahahahaha- you should've, pffthahahaha, seen your fa-a-a-a-ace!!"

Dib glared. He was tempted to zap the alien with the taser in his pocket for revenge but previous experiments had turned up disturbing results from non-directed electricity. So Dib merely glared and made a mental note to get Zim back later on. He reached into one of his coat pockets and pulled out gauze which he proceeded to wrap around his new wound.

Zim's laughter halted when his Pak sent an alert. The irken's head flipped around to the hallway, eyes so wide the edges burned bright red.

Dib knew that look. Zim only ever had it at a certain time in reference to a certain person. He couldn't figure out how Zim knew but this time the aliens meddling could be forgiven. He quickly finished tending to his wound and shoved the gauze into his pocket.

"How close?"

"Thirteen."

"Uh…."

Zim smirked, not even this new danger squelching his hatred. "Thirteen dacets in irken measurements. A hundred metres in your pathetic hyuman ones."

Dib glowered. "Which way is the fastest escape route?"

Zim pointed briefly before racing off on his spider legs, hoping to leave the human behind as bait. He always felt conflicted when this happened. Sure, Dib-stink had to rely on Zim's SUPERIOR skills (even if those skills were simple computer memorizations) but the occasion meant great danger and Zim never liked the feeling of helplessness.

Dib, stunned, watched the invader escape for a brief moment. _That bastard's gonna use me as a distraction! _The sound of inconsistent footsteps and a high pitched whistling, sickeningly cheery, echoed eerily down the hallway. Dib bolted after the alien, praying and hoping and-

"HI THERE, BUDDEEEEEEEE!"

_Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. _Dib tried to move his legs faster but they stubbornly refused. He couldn't see Zim anymore and mentally damned the alien to every single hell he knew of and plenty he didn't right before a flying tackle caught him unawares.

"HI THERE, DIB! ARE YOU AND ZIM GONNA EAT LUNCH TOGETHER WITH ME?!"

"Get. Off. Keef."

The hyperactive stalker bounced off the paranormal investigator and grinned brightly.

"ANYTHING FOR YOU, BUDDEEEE!"

Dib moaned and cracked his back, feeling every wound and broken bone he had ever received. Keef bounced on his toes, blinding rainbow clothes almost flashing in the sterile fluorescent lights. His eyes still glowed that odd red color Dib had noticed years earlier and was certain it had something to do with Zim. After the Happy Juice failure the orange-haired stalker had begun to follow both combatants in an effort to make them friends.

Keef had become truce territory for the invader and his personal black-haired observer. All fights, all death-blows were halted if Zim's Pak sent the alert. Considering Keef's unexplained immortality neither Zim nor Dib wished to place any more crazy ideas into his orange head because killing him afterwards just wouldn't work. Unfortunately…

"I'M SO HAPPY YOU AND ZIM ARE BESTEST FRIENDS NOW, DIB."

There was a moment of complete and utter bewilderment. "What?"

"EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT IT, BUDDEEEEE! YOU AND ZIM ARE SO SO SO SO SO HAPPY AND NOW WE CAN BUY FOOTIE PAJAMAS AND-"

"NO FOOTIE PAJAMAS! And Zim and I aren't friends! We're enemies! Horrible, hatey enemies!"

Keef did a horrendous, very obvious, wink. "DON'T WORRY, DIB, I'LL KEEP YOUR SECRET!" Ignoring the fact that Zita's magical rumour powers ensured every single child in skool already knew the 'secret'. "I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE, DIB, SO YOU CAN GET ZIM'S 'SECRETNESS'" Another horrid caricature of a wink and Keef skipped down the hallway, whistling to himself.

Dib gawped. "Wh-what?" His mind tried to comprehend the stalker's words, laced with oblivious innuendo but his massive mind failed him. He finally settled on the one thing that made sense to him.

"But I already know Zim's secrets!"

* * *

**Author's Note: **So, this school story arc is going to end soon. It's gone on long enough! Next: Dim

Thanks to Ckret2 for doing awesome Betaing!


End file.
